jaysaint Getting it all down on paper…

The depth and variety of characters I’ve run across in the two days I’ve been here blows away weeks of interesting folks in other cities.

Our locksmith is here right now. He’s got a pretty good New York accent going on, he’s about 60. Big bald guy. Within two minutes he was telling us a story about a job he did a little while ago. He was changing locks for some guy when the guy’s boyfriend came home. So the boyfriend called the cops, since he lived there too. So with the locksmith standing there the guys keep arguing. When the cops arrive, the boyfriend says, “He picked me up in a bar six months ago and I never left! And now I won’t let him fuck me no more, so he’s trying to lock me out. But if he thinks he’s coming home drunk and late and is going to fuck me, he’s wrong.” So the cops tells the locksmith, “Give me two keys.” He does and the cop hands each guy a key and says, “Work it out” and walks away. And the locksmith made his $175 and the guys were where they started. He said he changed the lock on the apartment three more times that week while the guys fought and tried to lock each other out.

He told the story so well, I wish you could have been there in person. Big voice, big laugh.

And the practical lesson is that once you’ve lived somewhere for more than 30 days you have a right to presence on the property in New York.

I guess I don’t seem like a New Yorker yet. The locksmith just left and as he was walking out the door I called out, “It was good to meet you” with a big smile. And he turned around and looked at me like “You’re kidding” and then he laughed and laughed. I like him. I want to make friends with him.

When we closed on the apartment the seller’s lawyer was another one. A lot of “I mean, I’m not going to bust your balls over X” to my lawyer. Who, it should be noted, was a woman on the dainty side. Don’t be fooled, though. She was clearly the most detailed, smart lawyer in the room. And she was certainly tough. I felt well protected.

The best, though, I saved for last.

We’re still at the closing. It’s me and Damon, our lawyer Alexia, the apartment board president Patrick, the apartment lawyer (Who is Asian, which becomes relevant in just a minute) and the seller’s lawyer. So the seller’s lawyer — Annette — the one who left with our check stuck in her bra — notices that there are Skittles wrappers in the garbage can. We’re in the apartment lawyer’s offices. So she says, “Did you guys have candy here earlier and eat it all already?” And he says “Yeah” and she says “Well that was white of you”

She says, “Well that was white of you”

The last time I heard that Cary Grant was saying it in “Bringing Up Baby.”

So the ASIAN lawyer says, “I had some too” and which point Damon, Patrick and I fall out of our chairs laughing. And Annette is going, “What? What? What are you guys laughing at?”

It was fantastic.