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Dose of Reality

My Mom called tonight to tell me that my cousin has breast cancer. She’s having a lumpectomy tomorrow and she’ll get a better idea next week of what she’s facing.

I keep having those stupid thoughts like, “But she is really really nice.” She’s generous and kind and gentle — moreso than almost anyone I know. So she definitely shouldn’t have cancer.

She’s one of those people who never asks for anything. She takes care of her mother, her siblings and her neices and nephews. I’ve never seen her demand attention, be dramatic or participate in a fight. So how did cancer find her?

Yes No Maybe

So tomorrow I have a follow-up meeting with the magazine that was poking around a few weeks ago. I didn’t expect to hear from them until after the holidays. That’s what the EIC told me at the time. But now I’m going in to meet the managing editor.

It’s so flattering that they’re interested. It could be an amazing offer and a great career move. So why do I want to say nononononononono when someone tries to poach me? I guess I get really invested in what I’m doing. And I’m an egomaniac who believes her own press so I feel like my boss needs me. My boss does treat me really well, and there’s a lot to be said for that.

I keep telling myself not to get stressed about it. There’s no offer on the table. I’m sure they’re talking to a few people. Tomorrow afternoon I could leave their offices and they’ll look at each other and say: Well that was a big fat waste of time.

I’m telling my team I have a dentist appointment. I’m hoping my interview clothes don’t give me away. I’ve been pretty polished all week, just to throw them off.

Needs Meme

Type “YOUR NAME needs” into Google and pull out the resulting declarations.

Jillian needs $57000
Jillian’s needs to do something besides her all alone, unrelenting mourning.
Jillian needs a place to store her personality while she’s in hibernation.
Jillian needs to get a card for Will Rainbow to thank him for helping us with.
computer stuff.
Jillian needs to report to meeting what time is good.
Jillian needs to talk Dorothy Lucy into showing us her stuff on this site.
Jillian needs to reassure him.
Jillian needs a snuggle.
Jillian’s needs a final count 5 days before the event
JILLIAN NEEDS X-RAYS AND HER MOUTH HURTS.
Jillian needs a fan club!
The doctors believe Jillian needs to rest.
Jillian needs help.

The Honeymoon Is Over

I’m back on the couch. I think there’s some value in the fact that it takes more than 24 hours to get home from Kauai, because it’s the only way to make walking into the apartment a real joy when where you’re coming from is, essentially, heaven on earth.

We had such a wonderful time. I spent the whole week in a sarong and I’m wondering now why we don’t all wear them all the time. I’m guessing if I head out the door this New York November morning I will get a clue as to why.

For nine days we had plumeria and hibiscus and pikake and hundreds of other flowers I can’t identify. As I promised myself, I ate pineapple every day. I also ate a lot of pancakes.

One of the trip highlights was a helicopter ride over the island. I won’t lie. I was good and scared at times. But it was stunning. By the time we landed I had cotton mouth from all the gaping I did. We zipped up over a ridge and suddenly we were thousands of feet higher, hovering over Waimea Canyon. We covered the entire wild Na Pali coast. We flew into a dead volcano crater. And we flew up to a waterfall and then did a straight decent, recreating the landing scene in Jurassic Park (all the jungle stuff was filmed on Kauai).

Here’s are two things that particularly knocked me out about Kauai. The first is that there is so much beach, coastline, mountain and jungle that it’s simple to fall ass backward into having any one of those things to yourself. There’s plenty. Anywhere in California that looked like any random bend in the road in Kauai would be fenced off, rangered, and feature hot dog stands and souvenir photos. The second thing amazing is that the islanders treat their land reverantly. I sometimes walked big, long, beautiful beaches and couldn’t find one single piece of litter — not a cup, not a can, not a bottle, not a cigarette. The few times I’d see something it stood out in glaring relief.

We didn’t spend a ton of time actually in the ocean. The surf around Hawaii, especially in the fall and winter, is rough and dangerous. I loved it, as the enormous waves crashing huge sprays onto the beach never got old to me. But there was no question that at many beaches your dip would be permanent. Our hotel was on Kalapaki Beach, which is partially protected by a sea wall. Damon took surfing lessons there and, not surprisingly, was really good. Even the local surfers were shouting their approval.

And now I face the day with no mangos and no salt water and no crazy chickens (they run wild everywhere there). Not a happy proposition. But having Zoe curled up here beside me compensates for a lot.

Heading Out

I think some time around early evening I will get that feeling that I’m passing the point of inevitability, the point where we’re leaving for our trip and nothing else is going to happen before that does. I do have to work tomorrow, but good luck getting me to take that seriously. It’s what I imagine it must feel like when the safety bar drops down in front of you on a roller coaster. I won’t ride them, so I can’t be sure, but that’s my guess. This trip is a happy inevitability, which is the best kind.

Tuesday morning the car that I haven’t ordered yet will pick us up at around 5:30am and take us to LaGaurdia. From there we’ll fly to Atlanta and meet my father. Then we jump on a flight together and the long haul to Honolulu starts (with me in the middle seat). I will be passing out Ambien for this portion of the trip. But I won’t take mine until I suss out the in-flight food and entertainment options. I don’t want to miss anything good. I have to remember to pack cards. Damon just taught me how to play blackjack and I taught him to play gin. So that will pass some time.

Once we land in Honolulu we’ll pick up an Aloha flight to Lihue. And that is where we will stay and from where my husband and father will likely have to drag me kicking and screaming nine days later.

There are lots of things tentatively on the agenda, some more sure to happen then others:
— helicopter tour
— sailing
— zodiac raft tour
— hiking
— eating at some poshy posh famous resort that I can’t remember the name of
— deep sea fishing (I can promise I will not be joining)
— sugar cane plantation tour via inner tubes in the irrigation system
— parasailing
— much fruity drink drinking and eating of pineapple pool and oceanside.

Anyone who’s been and has a recommendation, I’m all ears.

We may or may not leave Kauai. I know there are amazing things on other islands. But we picked Kauai because it is as remote as we can go. And I’m sure it’s amazing enough for one trip without hopping from island to island. That said, if Damon or Dad gets it into his head that he just has to, then I’ll be a good sport.

I just want to be far far far away.

Damon’s at a call back right now for a show we saw and liked in Atlanta. Finters crossed that he’s having a good time. I expect him back in about an hour. I wonder if I can sneak in a nap….