jaysaint Getting it all down on paper…

Wednesday afternoon, when the work week stretches out far behind and far ahead…

Acutally, that sounds a lot more dour than I feel. I’ve gotten caught up again at work and can now forge forward. At least I’m caught up at this moment. The way things whip around here, I could find myself neck-deep by the end of today. This morning while I was brushing my teeth I had the unsettling thought that I wouldn’t be shocked if they laid me off. Not that I think they’re unhappy with me, or anyone has hinted at that. There’s just such an attitude of: We need this!!! NO, WAIT, we don’t!!! And I’m still the new guy. Not to mention that the areas I normally program are sort of… going away. Still, I think I’ll stay flexible and just flow in where I’m most useful. Or I’ll get laid off and live in a cardboard box.

I went to a home-buying seminar today. I’m cautiously optimistic about what I heard. Real estate around DC is crazy expensive, but I could put some cash down so maybe I could get out of the renter pool. I talked to Damon about it briefly and he responded in a really positive way. That made me feel as positive as the seminar itself did.

I just want a little more space. I want a guest room so people can come stay with us. I want something that belongs to us. I like our apartment, but it really is like setting a big pile of money on fire. And that’s harder to take when rents are so much higher here than they were in Atlanta.

I need advice from home owners.

I have this friend. And every time I call him and his roommate answers the phone, the roommate acts like it tries his very last nerve to have to speak to me. I think I’ll start calling the cell. Except that I hate when people call cells without a good reason. That’s what our home phones are for. I don’t know, I guess I’m moving away from that attitude.

Anyway, I know it’s the height of narcissism to think the roommate’s attitude has anything in the world to do with me. But there it is. I mean, I know this guy. I’ve stayed with them. I told them how to get rid of the fruit flies in their kitchen — and it totally worked. I don’t like him.

I guess I’m a little huffy this evening. I had a trying day at work. And even though I left feeling a little better about it, I think I’d used up all my patience and good humor.

But I had a very nice dinner — leftovers of the swordfish and black bean sauce I made on Monday. Zoe lucked into a nice piece of fish so she’s feeling good.

And now I’ve got some good-smelling candles burning, which is such an easy way to raise my spirits that it makes me feel a little cheap. But in a good way.

And I’ve resolved to be a better daughter to my mother. So now this journal can hold me accountable.

I’m getting NOTHING done today. It’s just one of those days when I feel really still. I don’t know how to describe it other than sometimes my muscles all feel weird, like they need to be stretched. But I can’t stretch far enough to get the weird feeling out. I think it’s probably just some subterranean anxiety, which is actually good news because that will get shaken off in a few days.

I’m contemplating heading out to the movies, I haven’t seen anything since Pirates of the Carribbean. But it’s almost 4pm and I’m still in my pajamas, so you do the math.

Maybe I’ll have some chocolate soy milk.

So I’m sitting here watching the new Newlywed Game and I’m… baffled. I heard once that you have to fail an intelligence test to get on this show, and it’s not hard to believe. Really. I’m not doing that intellectual snobby game show response. These people seem really dumb.

I wonder if I’ll ever stop being reactive about work. I’m thankful that I mask things masterfully. No one would ever know that after every meeting I walk out thinking, “XYZ person clearly hates me. I’ve been revealed as a fraud.” I go through this boring blah blah that’s really narcissistic. I’m sure my boss hates me, thinks I’m stupid, is sorry she hired me. She may have been singing my praises on Friday, but if she’s crabby on Monday… It’s like I’m four. It’s all about me.

It does help to have a small, warm cat in my lap looking up at me like I hung the moon

I went to the doctor today. My blood pressure is 90/60. My temperature is 97. It seems I’m barely alive.

Tomorrow we’re having a fake 9am meeting to eat bagels with my boss Jody because today was her birthday. I’m giving it 50/50 odds that she blows off the meeting since she doesn’t know it’s actually for her. The only thing that will get her there is that her boss is on the agenda.

We shall see shortly.