I’m Back

So… tomorrow I’m going by our doctor’s office to pick up the perscriptions so wrote for fertility tests.

I have mixed feelings about all of this, down to writing about it here. We’re not planning on discussing this with anyone, including our families. And yet I feel like I need to get it out somewhere. So, special filter friends, I’ll do it here and thank you for your patience.

We’re still going all out on the adoption. But what felt like a sure thing, even at a long wait, has shifted to feel like something entirely different. I believe that, barring disaster, we’ll get our dossier in just under the wire. But because of the final rush of dossiers we’ll be lucky if the wait is under two years. And that’s putting aside the fact that at any point China could decide to wash out the non-qualifying families who are waiting.

So we feel like we need to address the issue on more than one front. And thus back to the doctor.

I don’t want to get fertility tests. I hate being fooled with. I feel defeated before I even start. It’s not that I have any fear of doctors, per se. I have no problem with needles, I’m usually able to handle various discomforts, I’m not shy. I just find the whole medical process to be dehumanizing, deflating, humiliating… the whole lot. I’m sure part of this stems from intermittent pancreatic problems that I’ve had for more than a decade. I’ve been in and out of emergency rooms with sudden and horribly painful “episodes” and have been prodded all which ways, with absolutely no positive results. And I firmly believe that the reason there’s been no good diagnosis or solution is because the red tape rigamarole that sends me to various specialists, labs and far outposts of medical science can’t coordinate fast enough to figure out what’s wrong. So the thought of donning the scratchy paper gowns for whatever these stranger doctors want to put me through just makes every muscle seize and my brain go “no no no no no no no no no no.”

But. I’m going to do it. Because even less appealing than all of the above is doing nothing and feeling like we’re completely at the mercy of fate. Which we are. But we’ll be happier and more likely to stay sane if there’s something we can DO. This is something we can do.

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24 responses to this post.

  1. For what it’s worth, I think sitting around worrying and doing nothing is just pitiful and pathetic. Doing what you can when you can where you can will help carry you.
    One day we’ll have that talk about what makes a hero.
    I am still applying my not inconsiderable powers of thought and prayer to this. Also for what it’s worth.

    Reply

  2. For what it’s worth, I think sitting around worrying and doing nothing is just pitiful and pathetic. Doing what you can when you can where you can will help carry you.
    One day we’ll have that talk about what makes a hero.
    I am still applying my not inconsiderable powers of thought and prayer to this. Also for what it’s worth.

    Reply

  3. For what it’s worth, I think sitting around worrying and doing nothing is just pitiful and pathetic. Doing what you can when you can where you can will help carry you.
    One day we’ll have that talk about what makes a hero.
    I am still applying my not inconsiderable powers of thought and prayer to this. Also for what it’s worth.

    Reply

  4. For what it’s worth, I think sitting around worrying and doing nothing is just pitiful and pathetic. Doing what you can when you can where you can will help carry you.
    One day we’ll have that talk about what makes a hero.
    I am still applying my not inconsiderable powers of thought and prayer to this. Also for what it’s worth.

    Reply

  5. I’m right there with you on the whole doctor rigamorale.
    Whatever happened to just going to the doctor and getting fixed? That was the way it was when I was a kid. I guess the issues get more complex as you get older.
    I shall look forward to meeting both your kids when they arrive, probably within days of each other. Best register for the double stroller, as long as you’re Doing Things.

    Reply

  6. I’m right there with you on the whole doctor rigamorale.
    Whatever happened to just going to the doctor and getting fixed? That was the way it was when I was a kid. I guess the issues get more complex as you get older.
    I shall look forward to meeting both your kids when they arrive, probably within days of each other. Best register for the double stroller, as long as you’re Doing Things.

    Reply

    • I will be the first one to admit its hilarious if we wind up with two little kids at the same time. It’s sort of weird to just surrender ourselves up to the idea that in two years (or so) we will have 0-2 kids, and where that falls won’t really be so much under our control.
      And yes, I prefer a doctor just wave a magic wand. Preferably while I’m still at home.

      Reply

    • I will be the first one to admit its hilarious if we wind up with two little kids at the same time. It’s sort of weird to just surrender ourselves up to the idea that in two years (or so) we will have 0-2 kids, and where that falls won’t really be so much under our control.
      And yes, I prefer a doctor just wave a magic wand. Preferably while I’m still at home.

      Reply

    • I will be the first one to admit its hilarious if we wind up with two little kids at the same time. It’s sort of weird to just surrender ourselves up to the idea that in two years (or so) we will have 0-2 kids, and where that falls won’t really be so much under our control.
      And yes, I prefer a doctor just wave a magic wand. Preferably while I’m still at home.

      Reply

  7. I’m right there with you on the whole doctor rigamorale.
    Whatever happened to just going to the doctor and getting fixed? That was the way it was when I was a kid. I guess the issues get more complex as you get older.
    I shall look forward to meeting both your kids when they arrive, probably within days of each other. Best register for the double stroller, as long as you’re Doing Things.

    Reply

  8. I’m right there with you on the whole doctor rigamorale.
    Whatever happened to just going to the doctor and getting fixed? That was the way it was when I was a kid. I guess the issues get more complex as you get older.
    I shall look forward to meeting both your kids when they arrive, probably within days of each other. Best register for the double stroller, as long as you’re Doing Things.

    Reply

  9. It’s worth so much, truly.

    Reply

  10. I will be the first one to admit its hilarious if we wind up with two little kids at the same time. It’s sort of weird to just surrender ourselves up to the idea that in two years (or so) we will have 0-2 kids, and where that falls won’t really be so much under our control.
    And yes, I prefer a doctor just wave a magic wand. Preferably while I’m still at home.

    Reply

  11. All prayers are answered. Lots of times the answer is, “Sure, kid, but I’m busy right this second.” Doesn’t matter whether you call them prayers or not, or how you address them.
    Maybe you need some new shoes.

    Reply

  12. You’re right about both prayers and shoes. I know you’re also shoe shopping. You’ll have to let me know when the right pair find you.
    I might need these: http://www.mooshoes.com/invoice_variant.cgi?rm=edit&product_id=161832
    Or these: http://www.mooshoes.com/invoice_variant.cgi?rm=edit&product_id=161863

    Reply

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