Thinking Through Friendships

I got divorced about 10 years ago. David and I had what I imagine is about the most amicable divorce possible. Which is to say it was utterly shattering, but that I don’t think either of us ever felt hateful toward one another. We’d been friends before, and felt that we should be friends again. And we were for a long time.

I won’t get into divorce drama here, but I think David would not disagree with the idea that he wasn’t prepared to live up to the role of a husband. And while that sucked that he discovered that after he married me, I could forgive him.

So many years go by and we’re maintaining a friendship that is infrequent in contact but intimate. When I was sick once he overnighted a huge box of tissues, medicine and soup to me in Atlanta.

Sometimes when I called him he didn’t call me back. And that was fine with me. If I ever left him a message that said, “I need you to call me” then he would. At least he did. But then he stopped. I left quite a few messages, increasing in intensity and concern. Nothing. So I guess that means he isn’t prepared to live up to the role of friend either.

A high school friend told me he was getting married. Maybe that’s why. I can even understand it. While it isn’t something I would do, I don’t think a woman is crazy if she asks her new husband to sacrifice his friendship with his ex wife. It’s just a guess, though. I don’t think at this point I’ll ever know. It’s been more than a year since David and I have talked.

Now I’m mad. Now I resent him. I think I might have higher standards for my friends than I do my romantic partners. I think because it’s so hard to be someone’s romantic partner. The whole arrangement seems to be, honestly, one set up for trouble. With friends there’s a little more air. So, really there isn’t any excuse for the important friendships to fail.

I wonder if David would be surprised to know that the ex-wife who embraced him so warmly is the same woman who would now feel a surge of joy at the chance to throw sand in his eyes.

Plus, his very existence is what’s gumming up our adoption. I was already mad, but that really made me hate his guts.

**Disclaimer: I know some folks don’t know me so well. Yes, I’m married. And nothing above should be taken as doubt about the future of my partnership with Damon. I love him. I’d do whatever it takes to keep him. And I’d kill him before I let him leave me.

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52 responses to this post.

  1. Having not been married yet, I know right what you mean. About all of it.

    Reply

  2. Having not been married yet, I know right what you mean. About all of it.

    Reply

  3. Having not been married yet, I know right what you mean. About all of it.

    Reply

  4. Having not been married yet, I know right what you mean. About all of it.

    Reply

  5. I don’t blame you in the slightest, and anyone who thinks this is any reflection on your marriage to Damon doesn’t get it.

    Reply

  6. I don’t blame you in the slightest, and anyone who thinks this is any reflection on your marriage to Damon doesn’t get it.

    Reply

  7. I don’t blame you in the slightest, and anyone who thinks this is any reflection on your marriage to Damon doesn’t get it.

    Reply

  8. I don’t blame you in the slightest, and anyone who thinks this is any reflection on your marriage to Damon doesn’t get it.

    Reply

  9. empathy
    I’m another one of those with an amiable divorce…as you say, shattering but no hatred. We do still talk. I was on AIM with him while his girlfriend had their baby. He has our dog. I have our cat. We still talk on AIM, but it’s pleasantly irregular. His girlfriend is okay with me, which is nice, but I think she’s happy enough we’re in different states. Me, too. If he suddenly stopped talking to me, no explanation given–I’d be livid pissed.
    …all a very long way of saying… I hear ya, and I understand where you’re coming from, and you make sense to me. For what that’s worth.

    Reply

  10. empathy
    I’m another one of those with an amiable divorce…as you say, shattering but no hatred. We do still talk. I was on AIM with him while his girlfriend had their baby. He has our dog. I have our cat. We still talk on AIM, but it’s pleasantly irregular. His girlfriend is okay with me, which is nice, but I think she’s happy enough we’re in different states. Me, too. If he suddenly stopped talking to me, no explanation given–I’d be livid pissed.
    …all a very long way of saying… I hear ya, and I understand where you’re coming from, and you make sense to me. For what that’s worth.

    Reply

    • Re: empathy
      It’s definitely worth something.
      And exactly! Why not a simple “I can’t talk to you anymore and here’s why” conversation? I’ve never been anything but reasonable and easy to talk to. Jerk.

      Reply

    • Re: empathy
      It’s definitely worth something.
      And exactly! Why not a simple “I can’t talk to you anymore and here’s why” conversation? I’ve never been anything but reasonable and easy to talk to. Jerk.

      Reply

    • Re: empathy
      It’s definitely worth something.
      And exactly! Why not a simple “I can’t talk to you anymore and here’s why” conversation? I’ve never been anything but reasonable and easy to talk to. Jerk.

      Reply

  11. empathy
    I’m another one of those with an amiable divorce…as you say, shattering but no hatred. We do still talk. I was on AIM with him while his girlfriend had their baby. He has our dog. I have our cat. We still talk on AIM, but it’s pleasantly irregular. His girlfriend is okay with me, which is nice, but I think she’s happy enough we’re in different states. Me, too. If he suddenly stopped talking to me, no explanation given–I’d be livid pissed.
    …all a very long way of saying… I hear ya, and I understand where you’re coming from, and you make sense to me. For what that’s worth.

    Reply

  12. empathy
    I’m another one of those with an amiable divorce…as you say, shattering but no hatred. We do still talk. I was on AIM with him while his girlfriend had their baby. He has our dog. I have our cat. We still talk on AIM, but it’s pleasantly irregular. His girlfriend is okay with me, which is nice, but I think she’s happy enough we’re in different states. Me, too. If he suddenly stopped talking to me, no explanation given–I’d be livid pissed.
    …all a very long way of saying… I hear ya, and I understand where you’re coming from, and you make sense to me. For what that’s worth.

    Reply

  13. Ah, Damon ain’t going nowhere – because if you didn’t kill him, I’d finish him off. Plus he likes you…a lot.
    I didn’t forget to call this weekend – I just didn’t find an opportunity. I’ll keep trying though.
    Are you going to your mom’s for the holiays?

    Reply

  14. Ah, Damon ain’t going nowhere – because if you didn’t kill him, I’d finish him off. Plus he likes you…a lot.
    I didn’t forget to call this weekend – I just didn’t find an opportunity. I’ll keep trying though.
    Are you going to your mom’s for the holiays?

    Reply

    • He better, because he’s going to be my baby daddy.
      No worries on the phone call. People with babies get a free pass. And please know that we didn’t call you instead just because it makes sense to just let you determine when it’s easiest to talk. We’re, you know, goofing off so we can chat whenever.
      We are going to my mom in Florida for Christmas. I can’t wait to drive the golf cart! Where will you be?

      Reply

    • He better, because he’s going to be my baby daddy.
      No worries on the phone call. People with babies get a free pass. And please know that we didn’t call you instead just because it makes sense to just let you determine when it’s easiest to talk. We’re, you know, goofing off so we can chat whenever.
      We are going to my mom in Florida for Christmas. I can’t wait to drive the golf cart! Where will you be?

      Reply

    • He better, because he’s going to be my baby daddy.
      No worries on the phone call. People with babies get a free pass. And please know that we didn’t call you instead just because it makes sense to just let you determine when it’s easiest to talk. We’re, you know, goofing off so we can chat whenever.
      We are going to my mom in Florida for Christmas. I can’t wait to drive the golf cart! Where will you be?

      Reply

  15. Ah, Damon ain’t going nowhere – because if you didn’t kill him, I’d finish him off. Plus he likes you…a lot.
    I didn’t forget to call this weekend – I just didn’t find an opportunity. I’ll keep trying though.
    Are you going to your mom’s for the holiays?

    Reply

  16. Ah, Damon ain’t going nowhere – because if you didn’t kill him, I’d finish him off. Plus he likes you…a lot.
    I didn’t forget to call this weekend – I just didn’t find an opportunity. I’ll keep trying though.
    Are you going to your mom’s for the holiays?

    Reply

  17. I completely get this, especially the anger at him for being a stumbling block.

    Reply

  18. I completely get this, especially the anger at him for being a stumbling block.

    Reply

  19. I completely get this, especially the anger at him for being a stumbling block.

    Reply

  20. I completely get this, especially the anger at him for being a stumbling block.

    Reply

  21. if his new wife did want him to end his friendship with you, he could have at least told you that instead of leaving you wondering.
    sorry you are angry and hurt.

    Reply

  22. if his new wife did want him to end his friendship with you, he could have at least told you that instead of leaving you wondering.
    sorry you are angry and hurt.

    Reply

  23. if his new wife did want him to end his friendship with you, he could have at least told you that instead of leaving you wondering.
    sorry you are angry and hurt.

    Reply

  24. if his new wife did want him to end his friendship with you, he could have at least told you that instead of leaving you wondering.
    sorry you are angry and hurt.

    Reply

  25. I knew that you would.

    Reply

  26. You’re so right. And of course it makes sense that you do get it.

    Reply

  27. Re: empathy
    It’s definitely worth something.
    And exactly! Why not a simple “I can’t talk to you anymore and here’s why” conversation? I’ve never been anything but reasonable and easy to talk to. Jerk.

    Reply

  28. He better, because he’s going to be my baby daddy.
    No worries on the phone call. People with babies get a free pass. And please know that we didn’t call you instead just because it makes sense to just let you determine when it’s easiest to talk. We’re, you know, goofing off so we can chat whenever.
    We are going to my mom in Florida for Christmas. I can’t wait to drive the golf cart! Where will you be?

    Reply

  29. Right! I mean how ridiculous that he’s become so annoying just in time to screw up our adoption.

    Reply

  30. My thoughts exactly. And thank you.

    Reply

  31. It never rains, but it annoys the hell out of you. Or something like that.

    Reply

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